We contend that with is greater than against.

At age 21, I began my adult athletic career. The return to sport occurred during my recovery from depression and an eating disorder. I naively accepted an invitation to join my roommates for a 3 mile “run”. To be fair, it was a shuffle, and a very pedestrian. Regardless, I enjoyed the physical challenge of running. I felt my body in a way I hadn’t in a long time. As a high school elite hockey player, I missed competition and feeling strong. 

Eventually, I learned about triathlon and started training for a super sprint. In 2005, I did my first triathlon and fell in love with the sport. Then I heard about “Kona” - the Ironman World Championships. When I started to learn more about the event I thought to myself “I can totally do that!”.

Over the next 14 years, I would dedicate much of my life to become a world championship level athlete. I attempted to qualify for Kona 15 times. 

I failed 15 times. 

Then in 2019, I made a choice to retire from Ironman, satisfied with the commitment I had put into attempting this goal. I let go of the goal that had given my life structure, meaning, and my profession (coaching). In what was to be my final Ironman, I finally qualified for Kona by placing second in my group at Ironman Wisconsin.

During the 11 years of failure, I was tortured myself emotionally and psychologically. I judged near every workout. Challenging moments became catastrophes. I developed anxiety about what athletes were in my age group at any given event. I was jealous when women I had beaten head-to-head qualified for Kona before I did. Things didn’t feel fair. I unconsciously assumed a victim mentality. It was a horrible way to train and race. I lacked a lot of joy in my expression as an athlete. 

It wasn’t until 2017 when I was ready to quit the sport that things started to evolve. I hired a coach who helped me feel less like a victim and more empowered. This happened over a few years, but the key to my growth was grounded in developing a strong sense of self-confidence. I started to develop conviction in my athletic abilities and believed in my training program. I also began to embrace the attitude that the outcomes in my training and racing meant nothing about my value as a person. 

As I began to adopt this mentality, my racing results became better and better. The best part was I raced happier and harder than I ever have. I want other athletes to find their own sense of freedom and confidence on the race course.

I have been a high-performance coach for over a decade. I know how often athletes, particularly those who race in the women’s category, can struggle with performance anxiety, guilt relating to their personal goals, and fear of who is going to show up on race day. Part of my role as coach is to develop my athletes’ confidence through consistency, learning to regulate their emotional state, and helping reduce feelings of fear/anxiety related to raining and racing. The result is a more resilient athlete who can face whatever obstacles may arise in training and racing. 

Personally, as an athlete, I want my competition to show up on race day healthy, motivated, and ready to tear up the course. It is from a place of sincere self-confidence that I can have this attitude. As I mentioned above, this wasn’t always the case for me but the joy I race with now is something I want more athletes to be able to experience.